


Alone

by JuliaBC



Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Depression, F/M, Grief, Loneliness, Past Abortion, tw abortion
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-06
Updated: 2021-02-06
Packaged: 2021-03-18 01:48:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,105
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29235573
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JuliaBC/pseuds/JuliaBC
Summary: A different kind of Buckley family secret. Maddie can’t shake the feeling that it should have been different. Takes place during season four, episode one. References abortion. PLEASE DON’T READ IF THIS IS A TRIGGERING TOPIC FOR YOU.
Relationships: Maddie Buckley/Howie "Chimney" Han
Comments: 8
Kudos: 17





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> It has been years since I delved into the world of fanfiction. This new season of 9–1-1 really made me wonder, especially with the talk about a Buckley family secret. What if it was Maddie’s secret, and had nothing to do with Buck? With her history with Doug, it’s a likely thread. 
> 
> This work does discuss abortion. I am not trying to offend anyone. Please do not read if you cannot handle talk of abortion.

Maddie stared at the screen in front of her. She felt like she'd been crying for days. Her eyes were so sore, yet she had to hide it. Hide everything. She couldn't let Chimney know how much this was hurting her.

She knew he thought he was doing the right thing. Maybe he was. It didn't feel like that from her end, however.

She pushed her chair back, seeing Albert still hovering out of the corner of her eye. She ignored him, going straight for her bedroom. Albert was a sweet kid. But this was nowhere near what she'd signed up for the day she and Chimney had learned they were pregnant.

She'd thought about doctors appointments. She'd thought about going shopping for the baby. She'd thought about how crazy it was that she was pregnant. About how crazy it was that she wanted this baby, that it wasn't Doug's.

She'd experienced this before, to some extent. She'd been so careful with birth control, but there had been once when Doug hadn't listened to her saying no...

She shuddered to remember it. She'd been so badly bruised that he'd made her call in sick to work. She'd been between birth control prescriptions. There had been no way to get plan b.

So when she'd taken a positive pregnancy test, it had stopped her heart for a second. She didn't want to be in this situation. She couldn't bring a child into this. And she didn't know if she was ready to leave. She didn't have enough money. She didn't even know where Buck was living currently (he'd said something about bartending in his last email, but he'd been vague) and she couldn't go home to her parents.

So she had done the smart thing. The responsible thing.

She'd had an abortion. It hadn't been an easy decision, yet at the same time it had been easy. She'd made the appointment, and had been able to do it outside of office hours because she knew the nurse who worked there. They'd gotten it worked out. Maddie took the pills.

She didn't think about that process very often. It had been during the darkest period of her life. It wasn't that she regretted what she'd done. She could clearly see that she hadn't had much choice in the matter; even if she'd been able to leave, having a child with Doug would mean that said child would be tethered to him for all its life. Maddie herself could escape.

But Doug would have rights as a father.

No. She couldn't do that to any innocent child.

In so many ways, that experience was shaping everything about this one. Maddie felt intense joy, and intense grief, over every step during this process. She rejoiced to finally welcome this child. She grieved what might have been with her first child.

And most of all, at the beginning of everything, she'd felt such intense gratefulness that she'd be doing this with such an amazing partner. With Chimney Han. The love of her life.

She felt so blessed.

Until.

The pandemic hit. At first she'd felt so brave, so sacrificial. She and Chimney made the choice together to do the responsible thing. He'd moved in with Buck. Albert had become her new roommate.

And at first, it had worked. They zoomed every day. Maddie went to appointments alone, but no doctors office was allowing more than one person anyway, so she'd have been alone no matter what. She'd gone to work, with a face shield and mask. She'd gone the extra mile every day to keep herself, and her baby, safe.

Until.

Eddie and Hen moved home in July. They realized it was too much of a sacrifice to be away so long. Their mental health, she was sure, was deteriorating. Plus, Carla couldn't take care of Chris alone; Karen couldn't parent without Hen there either. And truly, they shouldn't have to.

Maddie had waited for Chimney to say that he was coming home too. A loneliness she hadn't even been aware of until Hen and Eddie had gone home had started to creep into her every waking moment.

Chimney was choosing to stay away. It was no longer as simple as "it's the right thing to do." Because Maddie was realizing that there was no way it was the right thing to do.

Not when it made her feel like this. Not when every appointment meant thirty minutes of crying in the parking lot after that she was doing this alone. Not when it was Albert waiting for her when she got home from work. Not when she could sense how much Buck and Albert were silently (and sometimes not silently) judging Chimney's choice to stay home.

It wasn't fair.

It wasn't supposed to be like this.

Maddie finished dressing for work, sitting on the edge of her bed, head in her hands.

She wanted to tell Chimney. About what had happened. About the choice she'd made. The memories had been so vivid lately. Literally anything would happen and Maddie would find herself in the bathroom again in another life, just waiting for the cramps to pass.

She needed to tell Chimney. She needed to be able to talk about this. She wondered if he knew, if he'd guessed. It wasn't that big a leap. Too many abused women must have done the same thing she did.

But those women didn't get pregnant in the middle of a pandemic almost ten years later, and weren't abandoned by their current partner.

At least, she hoped they weren't.

She wouldn't wish these feelings on anyone.

Maddie's phone buzzed, and she raised it. Chimney had texted. "Just got to work. I love you."

She wanted to reply. She wanted to tell him she loved him too. She wanted to say "we need to talk" or better yet, "come home. I can't do this without you." She wanted to let him know how much this was hurting her.

Instead, Maddie put her face in her hands again, and cried.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: References episode two of season four. TW: talk of abortion.

Maddie had waited so long for this moment, but now that it was here…

She stared at Chimney, her throat working. She wanted to say something. She wanted to open up and reach out.

"So can we talk?" He finally asked, after she'd been silent for a beat too long.

"Yeah," she said, moving over to the couch, not waiting for him. She pulled a pillow against her body, holding it over her bump protectively.

Chimney sat down next to her, his hand carefully moving to rest on her shoulder. His fingers traced circles on her shoulder and upper back.

"I'm glad to be here," he said carefully. "I'm sorry for leaving my stuff on the floor, I heard you scolding Albert."

"Don't worry about it," she said, fidgeting with the pillow.

"What's on your mind?" He asked, after another long stretch of silence.

Maddie's throat worked. "I've felt so alone," she said carefully. "This pregnancy has been bringing up a lot of complicated emotions, and I needed you here."

"I know," he said, exhaling heavily. "I'm sorry I wasn't here."

"You don't have to keep apologizing," Maddie said, already exhausted by his regret. She knew it was the last thing he meant to do, but the constant apologies only recentered the conversation on him. Right now she just needed to talk about herself. About her experience.

She cleared her throat. "My time with Doug," she began, fingers fidgeting with the fringe of the pillow. She could see him pause next to her, the way he always did when she brought up Doug. She'd been over this in therapy. She knew she could talk to Chimney about anything and everything, but she tried to avoid Doug. Not just because it would hurt him, but because it just felt unnecessary so much of the time. Her life was with Chimney. Doug shouldn't factor in.

"Babe, you don't have to protect me," he finally said. "But let me hazard a guess."

Her eyes shot to him, startled.

Chimney inhaled carefully. His hand grabbed hers, holding tight, as if expecting a backlash. "This isn't actually your first time, is it?" He asked slowly.

She managed to nod. His throat worked, and he held her hand tighter.

"I would have brought it up sooner, but this isn't the conversation you can have over zoom," she struggled to find words.

"Of course," he said. "Listen, you don't have to tell me. I am here for you if you need me to be, but don't feel obligated. I get it. Whatever happened."

"I want to talk about it," she replied, after another long beat. "I need to, I think."

"Then I want to listen," he said, squeezing her hand.

"It was not quite ten years ago," she said, taking her time. "I took a test and it was positive. Um. I didn't even tell him. Why would I." She felt her eyes fill, and she wished them away, pressing her lips together fiercely to suppress the sob. "You know, so many abused women say that it was getting pregnant that made them realize they had to leave. Their baby saved their life and all that. And for a long time I felt like the shittiest mom in the world for...not leaving. For not using that reason to get out."

"Maddie, you aren't a bad person," Chimney began, and Maddie nodded.

"Thanks, for that, but please, I need to get this out."

Chimney nodded, moving to rub circles on her back. "It's okay," he whispered.

She shook the tears out of her eyes, clearing her throat. "So. Um. The thing is, I knew that having a child with Doug...it would seal my fate. I would never be able to get away from him. We would always be connected. By myself, I could leave. I would never have to see him again. There wouldn't have to be explanations. Having a child...he would have rights."

Chimney's hand didn't stop moving in gentle circles.

"I couldn't do it," Maddie said. "I sometimes wish I could say that he made me miscarry. I wish that I didn't have this weight on me, the fact that it was my own choice. I wish it wasn't. I wish it happened naturally. But it didn't. I made a choice."

Chimney reached to take her hand again, gently kissing her, his eyes staying on her face.

"And it made sense," she shrugged. "Looking back, I don't think there was another choice I could make. Anything else would have resulted in him being a dad. I couldn't let that happen. I couldn't bring a child into that."

She fell silent. Chimney waited, and then spoke up after she couldn't find words. "I am not surprised that something happened during your marriage," he said slowly. "I'm sure that life with Doug, even the most stringent precautions could...anyway. I didn't want to ask you about it, I didn't want to bring up bad memories."

"Yeah, well," she said. "I just feel like I don't deserve this." She gestured at her belly. "I gave it up once. How dare I ask for it again."

"Maddie, don't think like that," he said, his face earnest. "Listen to me. You made the best choice that you could for you. You knew what Doug was like better than anyone. You knew that you couldn't do that to a child. You made a choice, yes, but no one can tell you it was the wrong one."

The tears didn't stop falling. Chimney reached to cup her face in his. "Maddie. I don't blame you. I don't hold it against you. It does not change how I look at you, not at all. And I know that you will be the very best mom possible to our Mango."

He placed his hands on her stomach, looking closely at her face. "Think about it this way. You wouldn't be here now if you hadn't made that choice. Who knows what Doug would have done. You are here, Maddie. That's enough for me to know you made the right choice."

She breathed out, reaching to take his hand.

"I've been so lonely," she whispered, feeling a full on sob coming. "God, Chimney. I was so alone."

The tears came hard and fast. Chimney held her to him, arms wrapping around her, soothing her as she sobbed. "I know," he whispered. "I'm sorry. And I'm here now."

For the second time that day, Maddie cried. This time, however, she wasn't alone. And that made all the difference.

* * *

_End_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you to everyone who read. There have been so many insightful and provocative abortion storylines in TV these past few years. I think that learning Maddie had made that choice would add depth and meaning to her story, as well as giving other women who made that choice some needed closure. I hope this story makes you think, and empathize with all women.


End file.
